lessons from living with my grandfather

talking about the 8 months I lived with my grandpa

It was just a few months after my grandmother had suddenly passed away at the young age of 75. My grandpa was 90 at the time of her passing- and none of us ever said it out loud, but we never could have guessed that life would end up in this way. I had decided to move out of Brooklyn- my lease was up, I didn’t have a job there I necessarily cared for, and frankly, I was so tired of the city and I just wanted to go back home to Connecticut. I needed to take some time to figure out my life and my career (while not paying any rent…), and it just made sense for me to move in with my grandpa- we call him Dziadzia (grandpa in Polish!). I didn’t know it then, but those 8 months gave me a new perspective on life- and gave me such valuable time with my grandpa.

the garden of my grandparents house

Growing your own garden is a gift

When I first started my substack, I made a post called I Think Gardening Has Changed My Life, sharing my experiences and new found love for having my own garden. It gave me a new connection to my mother and my grandmother, who spent all her free time tending to the things she gave life to. When I moved into my grandparents home, it was the first summer without my babcia (grandma in Polish). I could tell that it meant just as much to my grandpa as it did to me to spend time in the garden, where we could just feel her energy constantly. In my toughest moments of grief, I remembered that my grandma and her spirit lived on through the plants she gave life to. The perennials she planted in our backyard when I was a kid that still come out every year, the tree’s she planted in my uncle’s yard that are taller than me now- those were her hands that put them into the ground and gave life to them. Having the space and opportunity to grow flowers or plants or produce is just such a gift in this world, one I am struggling to come to terms with now that I live in an apartment again.

The garden grew so many tomatoes and cucumbers the summer I lived there that we were constantly giving them away to friends and family. That was probably one of the best parts- being able to share what you grow with others. It’s such a special kind of gift giving to show how much you care for others, that you want to share the fruits of your labor!

my grandma’s antique vanity i used as my desk

Documenting things is an art form

Most of you know my love and dedication to journaling (almost) everyday. I’d been doing this pre-living with my grandfather, but I am not sure I ever realized the depth of what I was creating with my own two hands. Living in my grandma’s bedroom, sharing her walk in closet (that still has all of her clothes hanging to this day), seeing what she left in the drawers of her vanity- it makes you realize how special the ability to see into someone’s life can be. Knowing what photographs are important to them, what days they still think about decades later, the clothes they loved wearing, what color toothbrush she used, the smell of her laundry detergent- it made me emotional to see such human parts of my grandmother all around me. These things that may seem so mundane and ordinary but can ultimately bring comfort to those who love you.

I feel solace in knowing I have thousands of journal pages from my early 20’s full of my writing, even on the days that were dull and monotonous, I have the opportunity to reflect on my life someday. I’m sure when I’m 90 I’ll cherish having those words down on a page. I will always encourage you all to take a moment out of your day to jot a few sentences down- where you are, how you’re feeling, what you’re wearing. It’s a privilege to do so!

Moving your body is a privilege

This may seem like an obvious for many, but being young and able bodied tends to go over our heads sometimes as something to appreciate. For a now 92 year old man, my grandpa is incredibly active. He goes on a bike ride everyday (just around his block!!) and gets his steps in when he can. But at the end of the day, treating your body well, stretching daily (I know a lot of you don’t do this but it is so so so important!), and making the time within our busy lives to just be with your body and move is such a key part of life. Even if it was cold outside or raining, my grandpa always makes the effort to just get out of the house, even if it’s just for 20 minutes.

Make relationships with your neighbors

During my time living with my grandpa, it made me emotional to see how many of his neighbors would come by and check on him, or just sit with him and have a coffee. I could tell how much it meant to him, to have some sort of company and to know that within other people’s busy lives, they still made time to come see him- no obligation or anything. It made me reflect on the communities I have had around me, the people who showed up for me when they did not have to- and the importance of making those connections with those around you. Whether you live in the suburbs or a 30 story apartment building, having a few people to count on in case something comes up can mean everything. Especially when it comes to people who may be a bit older or need help sometimes, it’s a really beautiful thing to be able to be there for someone.

the sewing machine my grandma taught me how to sew with

Slowing things down is okay

In a world where everything needs to be done as fast as possible, Amazon has next day delivery, social media keeps your brain constantly stimulated- it was nice to be reminded that slowing down was okay. I would watch my grandpa take his time getting dressed in the morning, sit by his front window and watch as people walked by with their kids or their dogs, fall asleep on his favorite chair outside while the sun soaked his face, wait by the phone for his daily 7pm Skype call with my uncle who lives across the country- there is a tenderness to everything he does. To make time to enjoy those incredibly simple parts of life like feeling the sun on your face. To have that reminder that you can walk to the bank to deposit a check or use the tools you have in your garage or basement to fix something instead of buying something new on Amazon. You don’t need to finish a project within a day! Slowing down your lifestyle can do wonders for how you value your time.

Always remember to call

This is a simple one, but you have no idea how much a phone call can mean to some people. I wish I could describe the way my grandpa would light up when someone would call just to talk to him for 10 minutes. If you’re reading this, call someone you love!!!

Eating dinner and going to bed early is good for you!

As you can imagine, cooking and eating dinner with my grandpa almost every night for 8 months meant I was absolutely eating dinner by 6pm. Which also meant I was easily in bed by 8pm, asleep by 9. A lot of my friends make fun of me for it, but even now, on any given weekday, I will not be answering your texts after 9:30- I promise I am fast asleep. Staying up later just means more time I am spending staring at my phone screen, so why not just go to bed? Plus, eating dinner earlier is better for digestion- just saying!

flowers from my grandma’s garden

Getting older isn’t as bad as everyone makes it seem

Though of course, there are a lot of challenging parts to getting older, there is also so much beauty. For the last few years, I have made it a point to always remind myself that aging is a gift! And not everyone gets the chance to do it. Society has drilled into our brains (especially women!) that we should fear getting older, our looks and bodies changing- but there is so much good too. I like to tell myself that every year that passes I get to learn more about myself, feel more beautiful, experience new things, meet new people, forgive myself for the past, create more things, be more confident and wholeheartedly trust myself.

That was something so pivotal that came to me while living with my grandpa- watching a human not be constantly weighed down by careers or societal pressures, being secure in yourself by that point in life, knowing what to truly value in life because at 90 most other things just do not matter! And reminding myself that whatever is stressing me out right now as a 24 year old will pass with time, and I will likely not even remember it someday.

Sometimes there are no clear answers to grief

My babcia was one of the first losses I have had in my life that weighed down my heart. She was the one who taught me how to sew on a machine, always loved anything I made, remembered how much I loved her tomato soup so she would make it for me every time she knew I was coming over, and showed me what it meant to be the matriarchy of a family (one that is full of men especially!). She was truly such a gem in this world and someone I think about every single day.

My grandparents were together for over 50 years. They made the life changing decision to leave their farm in Poland and bring their family to America for a better life. I can’t imagine the weight of that kind of loss for my grandfather- to be so intertwined, to never even imagine that you would outlive the other- we were all at a loss of how to help him when she passed. It’s been a little over 2 years since she passed, and I think in many ways, it’s shown me that grief is incredibly complex. There is no timeline, there is no 10 step rule book, there is nothing that could change the truth of what is in front of you- and I think it is okay to not have an answer.

You can leave your Christmas decorations up as long as you want!

I thought this would be a sweet one to end on- my grandpa loves to leave the Christmas decorations up for weeks past Christmas. I know how happy it makes him, so we let him take his time with it. There are no rules to it! Cherish the small things that make life feel a bit lighter!

Thank you all for being here and for reading. I know this may not be my usual content, but sometimes social media and even substack can feel so heavily weighed down by consumerism and what’s new and who’s cool (that I also partake in, don’t get me wrong!), that sometimes a feel good article can give me a breath of fresh air. I hope this piece could be that fresh air for you this week. I’ll leave you with this: if ever given the opportunity to live with a grandparent or family member that you love- I will always encourage people to take it!

As always, leave a comment if you have anything to share or send me a dm on instagram- I love to chat!

-Izabela